Hear a good one...?
|"A guy witnesses an accident" Audio (Despina)|
"I GOT A MILLION OF 'EM"
HAT (Heavenly Aptitude Test)
|DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS|
Three guys walk into a bar. The
fourth one ducked...
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "does this taste funny to you?"
I went to the doctor; "I need
glasses" I said.
(Jim Lehrer: re "starting Jan 14th, 2009 on PBS, Make Them Laugh")
Santa Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:1. Name two days of the week that begin with “T”. 2. How many seconds are there in a year? Santa thought for a few minutes and answered…1. The two days of the week that begin with “T” are Today and Tomorrow. 2. There are 12 seconds in a year. Saint Peter said, “OK, I’ll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it’s not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?” Santa replied, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc….”Saint Peter lets him in without another word” (Marlon)
for everyone who .a) has kids, b) had kids, c) was
a kid, d) knows a kid e) is going to have kids, f)
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my
said, "Daddy's gonna
eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
|Hearing Test||HIGH MATH|
feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought
she might need a hearing aid.
the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats,
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In
short, everything they could think of to help his math.
The power of Aspirin
their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal
car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly
Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting,
they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
returns, looking somewhat ragged.
”Yes,” he informs the couple, “you CAN get married in Heaven.”
”Great!” says the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?” St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
”What’s wrong?” inquires the frightened couple.
”OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouts, “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”
guy is out with buddies - has few drinks - is feeling a little frisky
But, true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with
Her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few
moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet
patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said,
sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20 but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00."
Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give
you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that
there was some bitter hatred between Yankee and Mets fans, but now I
have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."
On a tour of Florida , the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the
PopeMobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.
died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last
guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."* (Rich)
|THE HAIR CUT||FAIR WARNINGS|
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father, who was a Minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father took him into his study and said,
"I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
They again went into the father's study
where the father said,
"Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades
up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair
The young man waited a moment and then replied,
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
The Minister said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."
The Florida Wildlife Commission has issued a warning about bears in
They say when you go into the woods wear little bells and carry a can of pepper spray. This way you don't scare the bears and have some protection in case of attack.
Also learn the signs of bears, brown bears have small stool droppings usually laced with berries and leaves, on the other hand Grizzly bears have a large stool dropping which is laced with little bells and cans of pepper spray. (Donna)
|THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL|
The following is an actual exam question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
“First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore; no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that most souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, “...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.”, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having that event take place, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.”
**The student received the only “A” given.
(5/3, Source: Ilk)
|Nutrition and Health||From Snopes.com...|
Here’s the final word on
nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats & suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
... a reader asks: "I
received this email, is it true?"
11. When a clock is hungry it
goes back four seconds.
21. A plateau is a high
form of flattery.
There are Teachers, and then there are Educators
According to a news report, Mount Ida High School recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to clean the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are Teachers, and then there are Educators (Ilko)
The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That is an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used? Because that is the way they built them in England, and the U.S. railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English build them that way? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
So why did the wagons have that particular odd spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that was the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by imperial Rome for their legions.
The roads have been used ever since.
The U.S. standard railroad gauge of 4 feet-8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
And the ruts in the roads? The ruts in the roads, which everyone had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels, were first formed by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back end of two war horses. Thus we have the answer to the original question.
Now for the twist to the story. When we see a space shuttle sitting on it’s launching pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the side of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB’s. The SRB’s are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRB’s might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB’s had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses’ rumps.
So, a major design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass!
Don’t you just love engineering?
in the Stock Market
"Gimme a beer before it starts".
She gives him his beer.
About 15 minutes later, he says again, "Gimme a beer before it starts".
A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer.
The wife says, "Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this."
The husband looks up and mumbles, "Now it starts." (MeMail.com)
In Japan, they
have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
error messages with Haiku poetry messages.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao - until
You bring fresh toner.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH
Darwin Award Winners
THIS SLOWLY-- try and figure out each word, if you
understand it, you'll be laughing by the end, this is
---It's amazing, you will understand the word on the third line by the end of the conversation.
---Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension).
---Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. This has been nominated for best email of 1999!
---The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.
Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
"Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow
singlish mopping we bother?"
---G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
---RS: "We bother?"
---G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
---G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
---G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
---RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
---G: "Whatever you say"
---G : "You're welcome"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they went into their tent for a good night's sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
" Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars"
"What does that tell you"? said Holmes.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
"Watson, you idiot. Some bastard has stolen our tent."
Four young novice nuns were about to take their vows, dressed in their white gowns. They came into the chapel where the mother superior was waiting for them for the ceremony to marry them to God.
In front of them on the table were the four wedding rings. Just as the ceremony was about to begin, 4 Hasidic men with their yarmulkes, payis and long beards came in and sat silently in the front row.
Somewhat taken aback, the mother superior said to them. " I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"
"We' re from the groom's side"
(source: daily email)
|AN OLD MAN, A BOY AND A
...WERE GOING TO TOWN. THE BOY RODE ON THE DONKEY AND THE OLD MAN WALKED. AS THEY WENT ALONG THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE WHO REMARKED, "IT WAS A SHAME THE OLD MAN WAS WALKING AND THE BOY WAS RIDING."
THE MAN AND BOY THOUGHT MAYBE THE CRITICS WERE RIGHT, SO THEY CHANGED POSITIONS.
LATER THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE THAT REMARKED,"WHAT A SHAME, HE MAKES THAT LITTLE BOY WALK."
THEY DECIDED THEY BOTH WOULD WALK!
SOON THEY PASSED SOME MORE PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE STUPID TO WALK WHEN THEY HAD A DECENT DONKEY TO RIDE.
SO, THEY BOTH RODE THE DONKEY!
NOW THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE THAT SHAMED THEM BY SAYING, "HOW AWFUL TO PUT SUCH A LOAD ON A POOR DONKEY."
THE BOY AND MAN SAID THEY WERE PROBABLY RIGHT SO THEY DECIDED TO CARRY THE DONKEY.
AS THEY CROSSED A BRIDGE, THEY LOST THEIR GRIP ON THE ANIMAL AND HE FELL INTO THE RIVER AND DROWNED.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY? ........ IF YOU TRY TO PLEASE EVERYONE, YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LOSE YOUR ASS. (Source: Arthur -- a New World version of a Nasreddin Hoca fable))
Do you know me?
& the little angel
Friends, I give you
THE DUMBEST GUY ON EARTH!