Hear a good one...?

"I GOT A MILLION OF 'EM"

HAT (Heavenly Aptitude Test)

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "does this taste funny to you?"

I went to the doctor; "I need glasses" I said.
"You sure do" he said, "this is a gas station"

...boom...boom-boom-boom-boom...boom-boom!!!

(Jim Lehrer: re "starting Jan 14th, 2009 on PBS, Make Them Laugh")

Santa Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:1. Name two days of the week that begin with “T”. 2. How many seconds are there in a year? Santa thought for a few minutes and answered…1. The two days of the week that begin with “T” are Today and Tomorrow. 2. There are 12 seconds in a year. Saint Peter said, “OK, I’ll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it’s not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?” Santa replied, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc….”Saint Peter lets him in without another word”      (Marlon)

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,"  pretending to eat them.
Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"  (Rich)

 A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to,  and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

 Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

  The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could  perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

 "Here's what you do," said the doctor.

 "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.   If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a  response."

   That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.

  He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."

  In a normal tone he asks,
  "Honey, what's for dinner?"

  No response.

  So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats,

  "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.

   Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks,
"Honey, What's for dinner?"
  Again, no response.

   So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
  "Honey, What's for dinner?"
   Again, there is no response.

   So he walks right up behind her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"


   (I just love this.)



   "Earl, for the 5th time,
   CHICKEN!"

(Rich)

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

     Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

     His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

     Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A"  in math.
     She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?

     Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."    (Julia)

The power of Aspirin

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter shows up, they ask him and St. Peter says, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves.

The couple sits and waits for an answer. Two months pass and the couple are still waiting. So as they wait, they discuss that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work?” they wonder, “Are we stuck together FOREVER?” After yet another month, St. Peter

A guy is out with buddies - has few drinks - is feeling a little frisky But, true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with Her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.

She starts to choke, but recovers and asks - "What did you put in my mouth?"

He says, "Two aspirin."

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"

He says, - "That's all I wanted to hear"

(Ilk-Stavros)

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?  "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

Immediately, the Pope shouted and  summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he  told them.  "I heard that there was some bitter hatred  between Yankee and Mets fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes  that this is not the truth."

As the Pope drove off, the  harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," one replied.  "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."  

"Well," the harpooner said, "he  may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know didley about shark  fishing.... how's the bait holding up?"  

(Rich)

On a tour of Florida , the Pope  took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing.   He was cruising along the beach in the PopeMobile when there was a  frantic commotion just off shore.

A helpless man, wearing a NY  Mets jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a  25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a  speedboat raced up with three men wearing NY Yankees jerseys aboard.   One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached  out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Mets fan from the water.  

Then using baseball bats  (autographed by Derek Jeter himself), the three heroes beat the  shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

The following is an actual exam question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

“First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore; no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that most souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1.   If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2.   If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

 So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, “...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.”, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having that event take place, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.”

**The student received the only “A” given.

(5/3, Source: Ilk)

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats & suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.   

(3/3, Source: SMM/RIF)

... a reader asks: "I received this email, is it true?"
The French Leader got a coded message from the Bush Administration.
It read: S370HSSV-0773H
The French were stumped and sent for the French Information Agency. The FIA was stumped too, so it went to the Russians.
The Russians couldn't solve it either, so they asked the Germans.
The Germans having received this same message during W.W.II from the Americans suggested turning it upside down

(Source: Ilk)
1.  A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
2.  What's the definition of a will?  (It's a dead giveaway).
3.  Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.
4.  A backwards poet writes inverse.
5.  In democracy it's your vote that counts.  In feudalism it's your count that votes.
6.  She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7.  A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8.  If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9.  With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted.  It taint yours and it taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

There are Teachers, and then there are Educators

Subject: Engineering

Don’t you just love engineering?
(Dan)

Today in the Stock Market
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cow steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market. (MeMail.com)

Before It Starts
A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife,

"Gimme a beer before it starts".

She gives him his beer.

About 15 minutes later, he says again, "Gimme a beer before it starts".

She does.

A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer.

The wife says, "Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this."

The husband looks up and mumbles, "Now it starts."  (MeMail.com)

Microsoft Zen

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages.
Haiku poetry has strict construction rules. Each poem has only three lines with 17 syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, and five in the third. Haiku are used to communicate timeless messages often containing references to nature and which are intended to achieve a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity -- the essence of Zen:

--------------------------------------------
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
-------------------------------------------
The Website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
-------------------------------------------
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
--------------------------------------------
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
--------------------------------------------
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
--------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
--------------------------------------------

FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK
Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Email App Doesn't Like  (Get the full story)  (Source: Dan)

Darwin Award Winners

• When his ..38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.
• Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife, "Boy, you sure have gotten fat in four years!"
• The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
• Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car.
• An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.
• Texas prisons have banned convicts on death row from having a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their health.

• In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.
• A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passerby in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off. The man was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck.
• A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. [Understandably], he shot her dead.
• After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence,the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
• In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin, Ken E. Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but, having no revolver, instead put a semiautomatic pistol to his cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a semiautomatic.
• One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was taste in clothing.

• An American teenager was in hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad told the police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
• Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol - after he was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an airport.
• Following the initiatives of the Afghan Taliban government - which has banned kite-flying, TV watching and wearing white socks - Iran is also cracking down on its more decadent citizens. Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzihas decreed that dog walking is to be made illegal, saying that taking dogs out onto the streets was 'a public insult,' as it was a blind imitation of Westerners.
• A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant."
  (Source: Arthur)

((Continued =>)

--- Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
---Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
---RS: "Rye .. Ruin sorbees.. morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
--- G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs".
---RS: "Ow July den?"
---G: "What??"
---RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
---G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
---RS: "Ow July dee baychem...crease?"
---G: "Crisp will be fine."
---RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
---G: "What?"
---RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
---G: "I don't think so"
---RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
---G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what judo one toes' means."

Four young novice nuns were about to take their vows, dressed in their white gowns. They came into the chapel where the mother superior was waiting for them for the ceremony to marry them to God.

In front of them on the table were the four wedding rings. Just as the ceremony was about to begin, 4 Hasidic men with their yarmulkes, payis and long beards came in and sat silently in the front row.

Somewhat taken aback, the mother superior said to them. " I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"

"We' re from the groom's side"

(source: daily email)

Some Days

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must work in Management.

"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
(Source: Memail.com)

...WERE GOING TO TOWN. THE BOY RODE ON THE DONKEY AND THE OLD MAN WALKED. AS THEY WENT ALONG THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE WHO REMARKED, "IT WAS A SHAME THE OLD MAN WAS WALKING AND THE BOY WAS RIDING."

THE MAN AND BOY THOUGHT MAYBE THE CRITICS WERE RIGHT, SO THEY CHANGED POSITIONS.

LATER THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE THAT REMARKED,"WHAT A SHAME, HE MAKES THAT LITTLE BOY WALK."

THEY DECIDED THEY BOTH WOULD WALK!

SOON THEY PASSED SOME MORE PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE STUPID TO WALK WHEN THEY HAD A DECENT DONKEY TO RIDE.

SO, THEY BOTH RODE THE DONKEY!

NOW THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE THAT SHAMED THEM BY SAYING, "HOW AWFUL TO PUT SUCH A LOAD ON A POOR DONKEY."

THE BOY AND MAN SAID THEY WERE PROBABLY RIGHT SO THEY DECIDED TO CARRY THE DONKEY.

AS THEY CROSSED A BRIDGE, THEY LOST THEIR GRIP ON THE ANIMAL AND HE FELL INTO THE RIVER AND DROWNED.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY? ........ IF YOU TRY TO PLEASE EVERYONE, YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LOSE YOUR ASS. (Source: Arthur -- a New World version of a Nasreddin Hoca fable))

Do you know me?
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.

In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you ask her if she knows me - I will hold you in contempt of court!!" (Source: Memail.com)

Santa & the little angel
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs.Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.
Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. (Source: Unknown)

My Friends, I give you… THE DUMBEST GUY ON EARTH!

---This picture is real - not doctored in anyway - and was taken recently by a Transportation Supervisor for a company that delivers building materials for 84 Lumber. When he saw it in the parking lot of IHOP, he went and bought a camera to take pictures.
---The car is still running, as can be witnessed by the exhaust. A woman is either asleep or otherwise out in the front seat passenger side. The guy driving it was jogging up and down on Rt. 925. (in the background)
---Witnesses said their physical state was OTHER than normal. The driver finally came back after the police were called, and was found crouched behind the rear of the car, attempting to cut the twine around the load! Luckily, the police stopped him and had the load removed.
---The materials were loaded at Home Depot. Their store manager said they had the customer sign a waiver. While the plywood and 2X4s are fairly obvious, what you can’t see is the back seat, which contains -- are you ready for this? --10 bags of concrete @ 80 lbs. each. They estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs.
---Both back tires exploded, the wheels bent and the back shocks were driven through the floorboard. The car, with FL plates (naturally), was headed for Annapolis, where the couple presumably planned to build a new house in which to smoke their crack.
(Arthur)